LUXURY HUH

For as long as I've come to know Rahmat, she's been a settler👍. This spanned every aspect of my life. You had plans to go out and you suddenly cancel, she's got no issues. There's only one piece of cake left and the both of you want it, she's fine with not having it. I follow rules to the latter because I really didn't see beyond boundaries and tbh I dared not look beyond. 

I had convinced myself that little is just enough and oh boy did I become super comfortable that even the tiniest of gestures outside what I know as the standard seemed extra and unnecessary. So I am very used to not going the extra mile for anything, I go with whatever falls on my plate and that's it. "You mean they are serving a three course meal over there? wow, good for them I'll just eat my jollof rice 😌". I had translated this to being "humble" and "content" and even used to flex that whenever I go shopping I don't walk the entire market before deciding what I want ahbeg, I can literally buy the first thing I see woh, no stress me. 

Somewhere in the hollows of my mind, I probably reckon that if I gave it just a little push I'd get something better, but maybe cause I've never known myself to want very specific things that will require me to chase shamelessly, so I'm good. Frankly, I don't think I saw myself of someone worthy of anything outside whatever falls on my lap, and I the thought of "asking" or simply giving a voice to that thought within me asking for more absolutely terrified me like "yooo, you mean I'm going to have to ASK? and acknowledge that I want more?" "I don't have what it takes to go after it abeg" 

It feels like everything outside my world is gated off for "special ones" and as a SETTLER I just shrug my shoulders and walk away from the gate but I be peeping tho.

"In this world with a sea of endless opportunities it's really a disservice to oneself to remain with the chains that your mind has put around you just because you don't actually think it's necessary, hear me out deep down you want those things just stop being lazyyy", I thought, in simpler terms tho😂.

Now I have to battle laziness and the thought that "I can't have it". I literally have to convince myself to chase these things I had considered to be luxury. "It's within your reach, no one said you can't have it, so now let's work towards it" with a sprinkle of  "it's yours, only if you want it" and "it's not reserved for special people" and "what do you mean you aren't special". I have to be very very intentional with these thoughts and not fall for that other thought that always tells me to "let it go, let it gooo🎶🎶" 

You can't even imagine the kind of aggressiveness that's going on in my head, it's as if I'm going to snatch something that doesn't belong to me by force, just so I can go an extra "inch". To go an extra mile, I'm most definitely going to war 😭

Can you relate? 

I think it's a little bit of laziness and mind games, what do you think?